asked about seeing anything peculiar or that stood out (they forgot all about seeing the white bear when it wasn’t brought to their attention). But when in the second lecture, they were asked not to reveal having seen the white bear-their emotional response (and big mouths) revealed the “secret.”
It wasn’t until many years later, (by experience, observation, study, conversation, and just how things have always gone-where cheating is concerned) I noticed that when men cheated on women, the cheating seemed to be “fueled” by the woman’s emotional response to it. Whenever the woman would kick, scream, fight him and obsess over it, it never remedied the cheating-it was like some odd kind of reinforcement for the man. And no matter her tears, breakdowns, the upset, or anger; it just wasn’t enough to make the man say: “This is it. My wife/girlfriend is a mess. And this’ll never hap
pen again!” If he did say that, and even if he meant it-it always happened [and often times-does happen] again.
Never once have I heard tell of a woman hearing about, or finding out for sure-that her man was cheating and she carried on in the relationship without revolt and incident, emotional hysteria always seemed like the natural response. But I also noticed that in addition to that, after the kicking, screaming, fighting and crying was over, relationships where the truth was put on the table and the cheating was discussed in detail, it seemed to bring the couples a little closer (for a little while), but then after some time-the man would eventually cheat again.
I then came to the conclusion that:
- a) Something “fuels” cheating
- b) Somekind of persistent stimuli motivates the cheating
- c)Something perpetual, insistent, and consistent causes men to act on some kind of selfish impulse, desire, thought, and temptation (out of habit, and no matter how hard they try to fight it)
…and that “something” was: The “Secrecy.”
THE FOUNDATION & POWER SECRECY
After seeing that study, and by way of my own observations over the years, it kept pulling at me that it’s something about secrets/secrecy that does something weird to all of us, but for men-even more so. Cheating involves so much covert play, and combined with the fact that men know (as compared to man-man) women tend to have less general empathy and compassion for and toward one another where men are involved (especially if they do not know one another). That being the case, a man knows that unless a woman’s emotions get too far in the way, he can steal away with as many moments as he desires to. That being said, a man knows that he can live in Apt 10 with his significant other and screw the single woman next door at Apt 11; free, clear, until, [or if ever] her emotions get too far involved. But as long as she cooperates, the better sex he will give her (as incentive that this covert operation can continue up to and until). And for the both of them-this will feel like “passion”-all stirred up and merely sitting atop the foundation of the secrecy (fueling it).
Over the years as I’ve studied people and relationships, I noticed that men are extremely sensitive and defensive about women cheating on men even if they do not know the man. Yet, they have no problem when it comes to hearing about a man cheating on a woman (even if they know that woman). That same empathy of a woman being hurt from being cheated on by a man is not the same as the empathy that a man will feel-for another man-being cheated on (by a woman).
CHEATING: SELFISHNESS + PASSION + SECRECY
Cheating, and the lack of empathy it takes to do it, proves that it is indeed a selfish act. A woman’s histrionics and emotional response to cheating can annoy a man into cheating (and extending the affair)simply because fighting him about it makes the cheating seem more passionate to him. It’s a feeling of being stolen away-indulging in forbidden moments-that is the turn on. That kind of “passion” is the kind that your fighting it does not have the power to reverse. When a man is doing something that brings him sexual pleasure like: watching a girl at the strip club dance for him, eyeing hot girls at the mall, or at work etc.,you add fuel to the fantasy by fighting with it and fighting him on it.
Instead, you have to JOIN IT.
By way of that white bear experiment, I discovered that cheating was a lot like the study:
When you acknowledge anything-like for example: cheating, by fighting it (or asking that it not be done)… just like the subjects’ big mouths and their emotional responses; your
