https://youtu.be/DIciKDEA_5U
This next story is something we women and (especially-men) can learn from.
With regard to what I have to say (in reading between the lines of the subject from which this blog is derived) if I had to snatch lyrics from a song to best describe the realness of what happens within a woman who loves a man who betrays her trust. R, Kelly would sing it best (actually start at 3:33):
You can cry a river
‘Till an ocean starts to form, yeah
But she will always remember
Cuz she’s a woman scorned
And if you ever get her back
It will never be the same
She’s cuttin’ the corners of her eyes
Every time she see your face
Now your trust is out the door
She don’t want you no more
You used to tell your boys, not me
And she would always be there for you
If you had took the time to see
What that woman meant to you
Is what the mirror said to me, whoa
So yesterday, we blogged and posted a clip of a rockumentary of rapper Future finally speaking out about his ex Ciara and his relationship going bust after she decided to go pop-when his plans for the two of them was a to keep the continuity of their respective careers still, but give the fans what they wanted based on what they loved from Ciara and him as well.
According to Future, she was uncooperative and did things her own way. But what was most confusing (for him) was that: they were mid-relationship, new baby, and engaged to be married.
Now, in any story there’s:
- Your side
- Mine side
- The “truth”
- And facts
Obviously, somewhere in his explanation of what happened, Ciara’s side, the “truth,” and some additional facts were missing as, after we posted the blog and like yous-awaited to see what she had to say, sure enough she posted this:
Now when it comes to social media, sometimes you can post something that seems good and fitting with what some (or many people) may feel what you posted is about. But too, that can be untrue (no matter how timely and befitting the post). As well, to add insult to injury, in an interview, he went on record saying this:
That being said, we won’t elaborate too much on her posts, but most are assuming that she indeed is taking shots at Future for that interview. And via his rockdoc, the I’m Just Being Honest rapper wasn’t completely honest about the entire reason why they broke up-considering (the fact) that he never admitted (or mentioned) his (rumored) infidelity as being a factor-at all. He talked in it as if it was solely creative differences.
“Convenient amnesia” it may seem, especially considering the tone of his rockdoc where, if listening and watching; he wasn’t even THINKING about [his] cheating being a factor (not even mentioning it as being a concern or suspicion of Ciara’s!
But therein lies the problem with men and women (in thought and feeling).
Although it’s inexcusable for a man in a committed relationship to step outside of it (and do so), the fact of the matter is: sometimes they do as, monogamy (for men) is typically a personal decision in which, his actions and moves to build with a woman is pretty much the main indicator that he’s all there.
Unfortunately, physiologically (and physically) men are “different,” and “stepping out” like such (on his committed relationship) means no more to him that wearing a pair of jeans for the day and tossing them into the dirty clothes hamper at night.
While the woman is left with the dirty laundry and smelling it, he wakes up, showers, and puts on a new, clean pair of jeans, kiss her and goes out to takes care of business for the day.
Meanwhile, the woman is still sitting there smelling dirty laundry. And here he comes back with the bacon and the business—as IF…it’s nothing!
So while he’s off from stepping out, focused again, about his plans and continuing to build…meanwhile………………………………(scroll up to that R. Kelly set of lyrics)
See the thing that a man needs to know about a woman is this:
When she is in love with a man, she will redirect and make extreme sacrifices with regard to her personal or professional plans or goings on in any direction her man wishes—
provided that she totally feels loved, cared for, adored, valued + quality time valued, and all her needs, desires and wants are met (up to and including no indication that he is, or would step out on her). But if any part of that equation is missing or something a woman secretly knows she is fighting for (for that man), he will NOT get a cooperative woman by his side and on his team.
As an analogy (and as it pertains to the subjects of this write up): While the two of you may have started off R&B – Rap, if any part of that equation is missing; you will indeed (and in deed) end up being Pop – Rap… and that man’ll wonder what the hell happened to our rhythm?
Her answer in her actions and uncooperativeness: “You brought me the blues…”
…and so goes you guy’s sync.
But what a woman needs to know about a man is this:
When a man takes it upon himself to build a relationship with a woman (to the extent of committing to her-via engagement, monogamy and especially marriage), I’m here to tell you: That is a very big step for him. Here’s why.
I have to preference what I am about to say by mentioning this: Unless it’s for survival or some personal gain, a man won’t sleep with a woman he’s disgusted by, but he will indeed (and in deed) sleep with a woman that he absolutely, positively, cannot stand, is annoyed by, or simply does not like (for whatever reason).
Let that sink in….
The reason why that is-is because (typically) whereas a woman’s needs a “reason” to sleep with a man, a man (typically) only needs a “place.” (That’s the best way I can give you a visual of the difference in extremes about what “sex” means for a man versus what it means for a woman).
That being the case (let this sink in too): Until a man makes a conscious effort to control his urges, invites and impulses, sleeping with women is as common and normal a thing to a man as taking a piss. It’s not that big a deal. Let that sink in as (a single woman) and too, let that sink in (as a woman who is in a committed relationship with a man)…
This is the difference:
What doesn’t happen to a man so common as pissing, is the excitement he feels when he feels he has found that one what he wants to build with and begins doing that (in the name of commitment).
The excitement, angst, fears, happiness, and all the emotions a woman goes through on her wedding day-when a man takes up on building with a woman—that is his “wedding day” (in his mind, in his heart, and his life)…and all these “pissing” woman he sleeps with does not get that piece of him…that it why when a man commits to building a relationship with a woman, he’s really more “married” to her more than she’ll ever understand as, committing to building a relationship with her is a big, pissing step.
The PROBLEM is this (and this is where men and women clash):
That excitement and commitment to building with you, doesn’t necessarily mean it comes without “pissing” a time or two or three (or serially)…because remember: he’s already done the thing he doesn’t plan on doing with other women: made a commitment and begun building with you. But that doesn’t mean his commitment and building with you is without “some assembly required.”
And in that “some assembly required” if a man (that chose you to build with and be in a “committed” relationship with) and came with instructions, the tag would read:
I chose you, I love you, I only want to be with you-forever/til’ death do us part (whichever applies).
“Occasionally, sometimes, here and there, (or serially) if I find myself stepping out on you-don’t get “pissed” [off]. Don’t threaten to leave me, and don’t leave me. It’s not that deep-trust me. So when you’re screaming, fighting, and carrying on day to day about some woman I’m totally not thinking about past the moment I spent with her-it not only sounds like nagging, but it disrupts our flow because remember: I chose you, I love you, I only want to be with you-forever/til’ death do us part.”
Unfortunately, as women, when a man steps out, the hoedown was more knockdown-drag-out in our mind’s play than actually was. In our mind’s, these moments of infidelity are more romanticized than (typically) he is/was or that went down. And even in the event the hoedown did go down as our minds romanticized it, as mentioned earlier: (and I’ll repeat):
Whereas a woman’s needs a “reason” (to do it), typically, a man only needs a “place” (to do it). That being the case: Until a man makes a conscious effort to control his urges, invites and impulses, sleeping with women is as common and normal a thing to a man as taking a piss. It’s not that big a deal.
As a woman, do you have to accept all that?
No. But (whether you accept it or not) you do have to know [all of that].
How you chose to process that, handle that, or deal with that is exclusively up to you and yours.
As an intimacy and relationship enthusiast (with a realistic rather than idealistic) understanding of a man and a woman and how they relate, I write books about such things and I do have a theory/method (called RPC-reverse psychology cheating) about men and cheating. You can check out helpful hints, how it works, and snippets here.
Whether or not you identify with Ciara and Future’s situation or see yourself/your situation in this somewhere, hopefully (in the land of understanding and love) it opened your mind in helping you understand they ways men think (and feel) by contrast to the way we women think (and feel).
Good luck.
