a bad boyfriend, but by the time he loved me like I did him our first round of being together—I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually ‘a big girl now.’ My money never matched his, but despite the fact that (monetarily) he certainly had more than me, it wasn’t what he had that could bring me back to him the way that we once were. With that being the case, I knew (that even in addition to that reason), I really had outgrown the “need” for him in my life as my boyfriend—who, wanted to get married and the whole sha-bang. Yet my merely wanting to reciprocate being with him again (under my terms this time around-rather than his) didn’t fit the grandiose plans he had for us…(that was a lot for me to deal with at the time that at once upon a time, I would have KILLED to hear he wanted this kind of permanency and forever with me).
Fast forward.
So here we are this time around, and I’m ready. It was beautiful. He’s excited as the day he came back and was ready to love me even better than before. So much so-with emotion he couldn’t hold back and expressing “I feel so at home again Angie,” his heart and where he’s always wanted to be-finally made it home. The feeling was mutual. I assure you. I loved him—healthily, unlike I did when I was unevolved with him the first time around. However, I was not expecting that this time around, his family dynamic not only changed. That wasn’t necessarily a problem-he could afford that. But this time around, HE came with baggage—and resentment that (I repeatedly asked if I had a clean slate) …that he lied and swore was buried and gone. Untrue, as it turned out.
His resentment from all the years of my being gone-he nearly counted the days…andddddddddd the amount spent on dating women over the years…the “unnecessary” taxing emotional time and toll it cost him and he resented me and say me as the bad guy in that. I didn’t get the luxury that all the girls from the past got: a clean slate-she he come back to them. I got the man who says I damaged him, bringing his bagging and trash back to me yet, I’m here–with him. Still, it wasn’t good enough. It was like he had some axe to grind or price I needed to pay that (from my view) I could only see letting him stick and drill into me-away from me.
In all our love and newness that never faded…he secretly resented me beneath that but wouldn’t admit what I felt rumbling beneath the surface of our fairytale—that is, until one day, I had to provoke a vicious heated argument (to bring it out of him). And just like I solicited–[for] the truth to rear its ugly head: It popped out. He confessed that he faults me for every dime, and all time and everything spent in the dating game that per his plans, was for us and I turned away.
So what did I do (again)? I left him again.
I couldn’t + refused to battle that. That was a fight I knew I couldn’t win. And as crazily in love with me as he was, not even that was big and enough (where this was concerned). So the next “big” thing between us was financial-and in his corner. In considering that his madly loving me wasn’t enough, I knew that even if I was his financial equal or better; because of that, I wouldn’t take him back on the strength of being resented on that, alone-despite how hard that man loved me and we were kindred spirits who never stopped loving and being attracted + best friends to one another.
I don’t care what he has or how beneficial he is to me, I don’t want no damaged man-I want a healthy man. I want “free” love. I’m a healthy, mentally, spiritually and emotionally minded woman and I want the same. If I can’t have that, we have nothing. I want nothing from you. It was like…he totally forgot, our first time around-he broke my heart. I evolved and got over that and became “big girl” enough to handle him our second time around. But he didn’t give me the clean slate that I gave him-that’s when I knew it wouldn’t work.
The fact of the matter was what I couldn’t get over knowing: There was resentment for things monetarily he replaced and rebuilt, yet, for it to come out that it indeed was a the weed major factor and thorn in the side of our relationship beneath our blossoming, I had to make HIM my “ex-factor.” I had to.
I see the “Harlequin” romance novel moment in you hurting and loving me from afar and can’t have me. But I can’t see (and live with you actually having me back and resenting me in our life-together. I’d rather you feel that away from me-and not have me. But you can’t have me and resent me too. Can’t be both ways. I’m here, now…with you.
There was no cure for that resentment and despite how much I, this time around, needed him (in ways advantageous to us both) + wanted him just as much as he wanted me, what he lost in the dating game bared only my name. Only mine. Not those girls in it. So I let go for the last time, this time. And it hurt me to do it but I couldn’t get that out of my mind any more than I knew he couldn’t get it out of his heart and off his eventual sleeve.
Eventually, like many things and people I’ve put behind me, I had to look it at like an answer I got from an ailment I was pained with: I had this thing called “tennis elbow,” where the tendons in my right arm/upper elbow were pinched and inflamed (which alarmed me because I never had an issue like that). I do exercise and’ve take an aspirin a day for years. Yet, the nagging, faint, sometimes sharp traveling pain was answered by recommending no pull-ups at the gym + some basic chiropractor tips that finished by advising [that] too, as our bodies are connected to us, the elbow joint is flexible in all ways except: BACKWARDS…that being so, something in my life was hindering either my professional, physical, emotional or spiritual progression forward. Coming from somebody who so much hasn’t had the flu since seventh grade, an ailment like such was quite the body culture shock to me. But the connection made complete sense to me going FORWARD. I have to be true to myself and reflect on that often as a reminder to myself.
