delved into my ‘world’ and self, the more reclusive and busy in ‘it’ I got.
Although I never cut myself off from being a friend to + available to my friends (nor have I ever given into this rampant Internet notion that you just start cutting people off as you climb for, I’m so in control of ‘me’ that I can handle and deal with anybody that I’m close to regardless of how they have of have not evolved or no). That said, however, I am notorious for exercising that form of cutoff kirt-ness at one wrong turn of disrespect, disloyalty or dishonesty and leaving you no room to explain. If it gets (or got) to those three points, I just don’t want to hear it (or see you)—no “busy” ‘creative’ or artist (of any kind) does. We deal with wayyyyyyyy too much hurt and uncertainty trying to do what we love.
So listen, understand, and process this carefully.
Being that one kind of shy( that I gave you in the segue that I explained to open to this), being an artist or ‘creative’ currently delving into/working on your craft such that your ultimate goal is to make life from it and a living with it; you will have soooooooo much uncertainty and inconsistency beyond your control that you will find [that] the only MUSTS in your life (where people are concerned), are the ones who can offer you the kind of love wrapped in respect, belief in you, loyalty, consistency and certainty uncontested. And when they do or say anything uncertain or inconsistent with the role they claim to play in your life, they become expendable-whether that be a friend, several friends-or your band. It’s all the same.
You make us close doors and back into “our worlds” you’ve paid your way to a one way ticket out of our life and worlds-we become content and kinda-sorta don’t want you around anymore…but kinda-sorta do.
If I had to give you a word for word song to visualize what I mean by every single world I said before this paragraph, it would be Whitney Houston’s I Have Nothing).
You see, for what I felt was disloyalty but where she felt could come hurt her future career prospects, back in 2000/2001 I cut this very same friend off (and we’d been friends since sophomore high school-tight as frogs a$$ and Dick’s hatband. We’ve always been close).
Fast forward, I placed a phone call to her around 2006, and she just sat there on the phone-speechless. At the time I had gone through a major, public ordeal that (being in the business she is in and the people she knew), I needed her and she could have helped me (in other areas). As well, I was that friend who knew what her life was like New York and she always needed me too. So…for a big chunk of an emotional time for the both of us we weren’t there for each other.
So initial conversation was throwing out words to each other and handling one another with kid gloves on. We were both scared but missed each other.
Later into the conversation and as if she was gripping my wrists, she gritted her jowls and said with conviction: “Angie. I.AM. YOUR.FRIEND! I. AM. NOT…” (she named every friend I had by name).”
She continued: IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL NEVER EVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN. THAT HURT ME! I KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GOING THROUGH AND FOUGHT FOR YOU ON AND OFFLINE! IT WAS MAJOR TALK UP HERE IN NEW YORK IN CERTAIN CIRCLES. I FOUGHT FOR YOU EVEN WHILE KNOWING WE WEREN’T FRIENDS ANYMORE! IT HURT ME TO KNOW YOU WERE GOING THROUGH THAT BY YOURSELF! I WAS SOOOO MAD AT YOU AND WANTED TO CALL YOU BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW YOU WOULD RECEIVE ME!
I told my friend how upset I was that all these major entertainment television shows and news outlets were calling and emailing me through my website trying to get interviews with me but how upset I was that what was serious business for me (merely written in a book about a situation that I wanted to teach the star a lesson about-because as I writer-I could and as regular person against that famous person, I couldn’t get legal help for) turned into a media circus where ‘fame’ or money for what I wrote wasn’t the plan.
She said, “Angie, I was there when you were writing it before you pressed ‘publish.’ But let me tell you something about this business. I need to teach you something: Regardless how “personal” and “serious” it was for you, you wrote a book about a situation between you and a star-a BIG star at that-A list baby. A-list. (pp. 199- 203) There’s no running from that when the wolves come. Because at that point, it aint just YOUR personal business anymore, it’s everybody’s business-SHE’S everybody’s business. You had the floor, and you turned it all away. Although YOU don’t and didn’t see it as an “opportunity” honey in THIS business…IT WAS just that: An opportunity. And you probably won’t get that opportunity in that way-ever again. But if I was talking to you at the time you would have been on the phone with every outlet answering those fcking questions. That’s the business! Even SHE knows how this game goes!”
She continued: “I knew you wouldn’t be ready for those media wolves-I just knew you weren’t going to be able to handle it-it was too personal. But Angie, when it’s public it aint personal anymore…”
That right there-that line she said to me and what this story is about is exactly……………..what
