JOAN RIVERS Dead At 81 Propofol Possible Cause of Death

obituaries are just wedding announcements without the pictures. I read the obituaries carefully, the way Lindsay Lohan reads her Miranda rights.”

JOAN’S JOLT ON PEOPLE WHO DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES:

“I hate people who die of natural causes; they just don’t understand the moment. It’s the grand finale, act three, the eleven o’clock number — make it count. If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in highs type. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know. I have no intention of coughing and wheezing for months on end. One morning you’ll wake up and read a headline: Joan Rivers Found Dead…On George Clooney’s Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was, ‘Xjfhfyrnem.'”

JOAN ON FUNERALS:

“I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead people. It’s a chance for mourners from all walks of life to accessorize basic black, and to make a fashion statement that is bold enough to draw attention away from the bereaved but subtle enough so that no one knows that it’s happening. And, it’s a great way to have quiet fun.”

ON PEOPLE WHO OFFER CONDOLENCES:

“I hate people who try to make you feel better. Like the neighbor who says, ‘Don’t forget, the first part of ‘funeral’ is ‘fun!’ Or the minister who says, ‘He’s in a better place now.’ I’m tempted to yell out, ‘No he’s not. He had a house in the Hamptons. What’s wrong with you?””

JOAN ON THE PICK UP SCENE AT FUNERALS:

“As I get older, I’m going to a lot more funerals, and let me tell you something, it’s a great pick-up scene. A graveside funeral is live eHarmony for the bereaved.”

In summary, there are 3 IRONIES:

Joan said she loved funerals (regretfully, Sunday September 7, hers will be held)
Joan hated people who died of natural causes (she was a completely healthy 81 year-old and possibly died from trouble due to clinic error)
Joan hoped that her own funeral would feature a wind-machine so that her hair, while in the casket, would blow like Beyonce’s …(whose September 4 birthday she died on).

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