Let The Doves (And The Quips Fly): JOAN RIVERS Has Been Laid To Rest

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In the event of Joan Rivers’ unfortunate, untimely, and unexpected death, the world of American popular culture awakened with an outpour of love, support (for her daughter Melissa) and as well: let the quips fly (as only Joan Rivers would have wanted).

Joan Rivers, in all her quit-witted, sharp-tongue splendor was quite the fancy woman with a designer tongue who didn’t hold back. With that being so, when talking to, get offended by, or attempting to strike back at [a comedian at that], who had no problem laughing at yourself, it’s just best you take it all in stride and roll with the punches—especially Joan’s [punches].

She said it herself and even titled the book: “I Hate Everyone…Starting with Me.”

That’s just how she was.

At the very beginning, I referred to the passing of Joan Rivers as an “event” because as well all know by now (although delivered in a book as satire), Joan Rivers had specific feelings about (and requests) for her death, even while alive. So when a woman like Joan Rivers dies, it is “in the event of” (rather than) “in the wake of.”

A “star-studded affair” is typically not the choice of words used in exchange for lacking better ones (when talking about a funeral) but that’s just what Joan Rivers wanted: “A Star Studded Affair.” And as they say (sing) on Broadway: “What Lola Joan wants, Joan gets.”

Let’s see how the service measured up:

I hate people who die of natural causes; they just don’t understand the moment. It’s the grand finale, act three, the eleven o’clock number — make it count. If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in highs type. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know. I have no intention of coughing and wheezing for months on end. One morning you’ll wake up and read a headline: Joan Rivers Found Dead…On George Clooney’s Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was, ‘Xjfhfyrnem.’

Rivers got her wish. Still, even in sharing the plight of her humor; having died “interesting[ly]” would not be the choice of words to describe it, but ‘ironically’ certainly would (as you read on, through to the end-her having suffered the ordeal on/around Michael’s Jackson’s August 29th birthday and allegedly-by way of the same thing).

Interesting. No. Ironic? Yes. (Many)

At any rate.

She had no intention on being sick, lingering, coughing, wheezing, or dragging on-boring everyone: And that-she wasn’t. She went into that office a healthy, 81 year-old crap talking old mouthy lady who died offending many just weeks before. She was certainly interesting in that regard-alive and being remembered in her death! What a hoot.

No, we may not have awakened to a headline that read: “Joan Rivers Found Dead…On George Clooney’s Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was, ‘Xjfhfyrnem.’”

…but we did wake up to an terribly unexpected headline (simply stating): “Joan Rivers Dies at Age 81.”

When I die, I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action…I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way.  I don’t want some rabbi rambling on. I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing “Mr. Lonely.” I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé’s.”

Joan got that—most of that.

In a service that took place at Temple Emanu-El in Manhattan, New York; the comedian got the red-carpet homegoing she wanted.

As well, (lined up along Fifth Avenue) the papparazzi sure as heavens showed up at the event which indeed star-studded with the likes of Howard Stern, Rosie O’Donnell, Kelly Osbourne, Kathy Griffin, Whoopi Goldberg, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, Hugh Jackman, Barbara Walters, Dr. Oz, Bernadette Peters, Alan Cumming, Tommy Tune, Clive Davis, Michael Kors, Carolina Herrera, Dennis Basso, Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump, Steve Forbes, Barbara Walters, Geraldo Rivera, Diane Sawyer, Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Andy Cohen, Paul Schafer, Barry Diller. Other celebrity friends (who spoke) were Deborah Norville and Margie Stern, and of course Joan’s daughter Melissa spoke.

 “I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead people. It’s a chance for mourners from all walks of life to accessorize basic black, and to make a fashion statement that is bold enough to draw attention away from the bereaved but subtle enough so that no one knows that it’s happening. And, it’s a great way to have quiet fun.”

…”a great way to have quiet fun” …in deed (literally).

With Howard Stern delivering a eulogy, like Joan, how much more comedic[ally] offensive can you get? After making a jokes about Rivers’ private parts, he went on to joke that “Joan is somewhere chasing Johnny Carson with a baseball bat. “ (For the record (the late) Johnny Carson and Joan Rivers had a long-running feud that never saw the likes of an olive branch extended from either end of the two show biz legends in their own (and similar) right. There was no need in belaboring the quip-anyone but anyone who was there knew all-to-well just what that meant.

As penned and requested, to add “quip-sult” to the perished, long-time friend and gossip columnist Cindy Adams, quipped: “At 81, Joan Rivers did not last as long this service.”

Although (as scheduled) Hugh Jackman was reportedly scheduled to sing “Quiet Please-There’s a Lady on Stage,” and (as quipped and penned in her book) Bobby Vinton wasn’t there to pick her head up to sing “Mr. Lonely;” Broadway singer and actress Audra McDonald did sing: “Smile” (ironically, the same song sang at Michael Jackson’s funeral in 2009 and sang by Jermaine Jackson).

As Broadway’s Evita Peron sang: “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” Joan would have it the same way. Don’t cry for her Tinseltown…

Instead, take this with yous…and…‘SMILE’—(just like sang), for Joan felt:

[quote and penned] “I hate people who try to make you feel better. Like the neighbor who says, ‘Don’t forget, the first part of ‘funeral’ is ‘fun!’ Or the minister who says, ‘He’s in a better place now.’ I’m tempted to yell out, ‘No he’s not. He had a house in the Hamptons. What’s wrong with you?”[unquote]

Well, all know that Joan, too, most probably had a house in the Hamptons and at long last, unfortunately, will now be laid to rest in the same cemetery as the entertainer who had ‘Smile” sang for him at his funeral…

Rivers’ body was cremated on Saturday, September 6, 2014. Her remains will be flown back to Los Angeles where they will be buried at Forest Lawn Cemetary.

The New York Police and Health Departments are continuing their investigations surrounding the circumstances of the legend’s death as, the healthy 81 year-old reportedly had undergone an endoscopic procedure on her throat and died after being revived for a short time from having gone into cardiac arrest.

It is alleged that Propofol was the cause of Rivers going into cardiac arrest.

Although Rivers was resuscitated enough to be transported to Mount Sinai hospital, while there, her condition upgraded just enough to be put into medically induced coma state.

Nothing further could be done to return her back to life, and especially, the quality of life that she lived and lived well and on her own terms.

She will be missed.