FEEL LIKE A LADY, DEAL LIKE A MAN: Tips & Secrets on Everything from: Self-Esteem, Friends, Love, Sex, and Men
19.
Til’ Death Do You Part or Come Undone: Why Maintaining Your Mystery Will Forever Be Important
It’s sort of like how we live (and are programmed) right now.
Thanks to social network platforms, we are all: preachers, prophets, aspiring talk show hosts, forum philosophers, spiritual teachers, life coaches and saints. We quote quotes and often speak about [and express our desire, love, and preference for]: character, morals, positivity, love, giving, and our disdain (for what we believe to be) unscrupulous media figures, (our perception of) “negative” people, and bad television programming-yet at any time, Maury Povich is free to turn his talk show’s title to: “You Are NOT The Father!” and he would still do as well as he has already been doing for over a decade now.
Business for the Jerry Springer Show was so good that we went from screaming and cheerleading his security guard on: “Steve! Steve! Steve!” to Steve [Wilkos] getting his own spin-off of a Jerry Springer-like show. Besides Maury Povich, Steve Wilkos, and Jerry Springer, I don’t know of any talk show host (in the history of talk shows) who’s had the easiest job in the world. They don’t even have to put any thought into what the day’s show will be about; it’s: Lights! Camera! Action! Let the smut begin. They beat everyone to the finish line in ratings (without even trying). Programming such as OWNTV (and the like) ambitiously, and excitedly bring you quality television, yet struggles to stay afloat-meanwhile, reality television is kicking ass, taking down names and multiplying such that we can’t keep up with it all.
So what’s it gonna take to bring this world to the Utopia that we often quote about, and enforce about? The only answer I can think of is that as long as what we deeply feel, identify with, desire, and think about isn’t presented to us; then it’s out of sight-out of mind. But once it presents itself, we forget all about the hope for a Utopia and all that we quote and enforce about. We then become compelled to delve into who we privately are and what we privately: like, feel, and think (as long as no one’s watching us)…
It’s a funny thing about us all, we say we want things one way (usually the moralistic, significant, and presentable) yet hear-tell about, or take a moment to flip the channel and catch a tall champagne glass come flying across the screen and into the forehead of another person, we’ll sit back and get comfortable to watch it (and then again, next week).
We have this thing called: “Impression Syndrome.”
Where we’re very concerned with how we look in the eyes of other people, so we try to do and say all the right things that give us redeeming qualities that we like to refer to as “character.”
Character is a matter of mastering expression of thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that we’ve been in practice learning “how to do” since age five. Since around that time, we’ve been in never ending sessions in the class of life on how to discern others’ thoughts, attitudes, and behavior as either: deviant or moral, or normal, or not normal (while interacting with the world around us).
Integrity is a matter of thoughts, attitudes, and behavior expressed alone (without the world watching) being just the same (while interacting with the world around us).
The only truly thorough most integrity-filled human beings in the world are children from age one ‘til about age five. Age five is around the time we all become products of teachings and learned behaviors about what “acceptable” social behavior is, and is not. We are taught to understand what it feels like to be ostracized, shamed, and ridiculed therefore, to avoid it; we put forth a caricature that we call “character.”
We are only as concerned about our character as other people cannot point out “bad character” in us. (Re-read that again, no-I will repeat it for you): We are only as concerned about our character as other people cannot point out “bad character” in us-the rest is left up to all that is private, and inside of us-something that no one else [but, or if there is a god we serve] can verify as our integral truth. Nobody truly knows your integrity but you. That’s the reality of it all (regardless the politically correct sentiments by which we all speak when talking about “integrity”).
You have to dissect in order to get to the truth (about what’s not visible and on the table), and here it is:
Your thoughts are private.
Your character is public.
Your thoughts could be jailhouse-worthy deviant, and mental institution abnormal yet, in public (because of your concern for your character), you can very well portray something altogether opposite your thoughts (but be of good reputation and “good character” in the eyes of the world).
We are human. There is no quote, philosopher, spiritual teacher, preacher, or life coach that can get you on track with making sure your thoughts align with your actions. We will never get that right 100% of the time-that is the natural fight of the human plight and is a very conscious and consistent effort to try and master-one that we never will, until we are able to walk on water!
Until then, we are programmed to “put on.”
It’s a social matrix of sorts.
You can take a personality straight off the streets who-at the start-demonstrated no morals, no scruples, no stability, and (seemingly) was of “bad character.” After a couple of years of image consulting, media training, branding, and several round-table discussions with staff, management, and payroll; it could be decided that his/her “character” and reputation can all be salvaged and turned around by attending a few charity events, and publicly indulging, speaking about, and involving his/her self in anything that is the antithesis of what the court of public opinion originally convicted him/her as. As the money and social acceptance starts to pour in, he/her falls into “character.” They become programmed to do, and say certain things that they have to in order to make a living that in truth, no one but themselves will ever know if all that they [now are]-is their integral truth. We on the other hand, become programmed to accept the changes that we see, while he/she is programmed to make themselves believe that is (now) who they really are…
So like the example about everything I said since the start of this chapter tip through now, you now see how the human being in us will constantly say one thing, but we will think, do, truly feel, (and are) another.
We ALL are kind of like “The Jerry Springer Show” yet some people were bold (or foolish) enough to put theirs on display for the world to see. Many of our lives, actions and most certainly, our thoughts are no different-no one’s better (or worse) than the other.
Look at the makeup of the show as a parallel of the two sides of us.
In spite of the Jerry Springer smut, the commentary at the end of his show is not only redeemable and impressive, but he makes sense of all that just happened by putting a rational spin and explanation about it all, and how we (too) can examine the histrionics and theatrics in our own lives because we (too), are composed of the same things:
The smut: (our private thoughts, and/or private actions).
The cleanup: (our public expression of thoughts and/or public action).
Aligning the two is our virtue and vice in life. And if we care about our character, BUT have true integrity…it will be our personal life mission to consciously work on our integrity: all day, every day. Integrity is an exercise of conscious decision; a lifestyle-much like the decision to eat right and exercise (everyday).
Automatically, our “character” gets exercise all day-everyday, the moment we log onto social forums, shake hands in personal and business relationships and settings, and any and everywhere we are out in the world at work, or play.
We/the world say one thing but we do another because our actions (typically what other people are watching) are not always in line with our thoughts and desires (what other people cannot see). That is our human task-everyday: to exercise and work at aligning our thoughts (intrinsic), and actions (extrinsic).
Our intrinsic/instinctual natures trying to work with and co-exist with our extrinsic/the environment can often times have our wires completely crossed. There are “places” provided for the ones who simply cannot cope, or refuse to “cooperate” with the rules that makeup a society. For the rest of us, we remain programmed: steadily impressing, and making impressions upon…
You want to know the irony of that? We all have to be programmed in order to be considered a “normal functioning” productive member of society, at work, at play, and as well-at love…
I went through that whole spiel of explaining why we (society as a whole) are how we are, how we operate, and are programmed-as something very necessary for you to visualize with a blunt and in-your-face, no holds barred kind of practicality (hence why I peeled apart all the layers behind our being “programmed” as a society). Having done it that way, you will now be able to understand how men operate and are programmed (as a species) in the same yet, different way with regard to their instinct-nature, love, and women.
THE PROGRAMMING MAKEUP OF A MAN
Men, being the visual species that they are, are twice as “programmed” as we all are naturally, because while on their life hunt to secure the necessaries to provide for himself [and later-perhaps] his Queen, men simply have to program themselves in order to survive (hence everything that I mention in the first few paragraphs at the beginning of the Introduction: “Women Can Fake Orgasms But Men Can Fake An Entire Relationship For Years”).
Often times, in the game of love, what a man says from his mouth (despite how seemingly from the heart it may be), his instincts, male-hood, and nature RESPOND TO an entirely different thing. They can channel into their inner “Drake” and chime the song right along with him: “Hair-tied, sweatpants, chillin’ with no makeup on. That’s when you’re the prettiest. I hope that you don’t take it wrong.” He can really mean well while meaning exactly what he said.
BUT…his instinct-nature is like a shallow little devil sitting on his shoulder with an entirely different opinion and force.
Men have a very present and demonstrative instinct-nature that often times does not play well with what comes from their mouth (even in the name of love).
It is for that very same reason that in all of love’s gambles, a woman can lose:
- Her mystery to her man
- His desire for her
- His lust for her
…although he can be in a real, true, and mutually respectable relationship + still have tremendous admiration and love for her. I guess that would be called “interest” in her, because the fact still remains, he can still be present but without desire, and lust. His being present and with her can strictly be because of his interest in her, which in fact, can remain forever-‘til death do they part (with the absence of mystery, desire, and lust).
IN THE INTEREST OF “INTEREST,” DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A MAN’S INTEREST IN YOU
I almost forget, an endearing (true story) to share-a rarity that I would be remised if I didn’t tell you (which should also help you understand what I was talking about back in the Introduction, and Gems #1 and 2 where I mention a man’s interest in you/your world is what makes him want to proclaim/profess his love for you, as opposed to all the other Jokers and other numbers).
A few years ago, I had a friend who, at one time, was feeling “adventurous” (and wanted to try something different): she and another friend of hers had gotten into the whole Internet dating culture. My friend would tell me funny dating stories of how things would go with her. (She too, like me, was student of psych/behavioral sciences but in addition that, she was a student of the social sciences-so this kind of this was big fun to her-analyzing it all, while sincerely searching for love). For many months and Sundays, she and I would dissect all her dating stories and she would come to me for advice to see if my advice would match the decision she made to do/not do [whatever]. In addition, she would run scenarios by my mother (who we considered to be a “neutral-natural”)…then she and I would have lunch weekly and combine all these opinions to see what we could come up with.
If they would be exciting or odd, occasionally, my friend would run something (general) past me about the guys her friend would date, but after some time, I noticed that she had stop running those stories by me. Typically I won’t follow up with a friend about another friend, but my curiosity had totally gotten the best of me. So one day I took a leap of faith and asked my friend (about her friend): “Hey, so what about your girlfriend, did she ever find the right guy yet?” My friend yelled into the phone: “GIRL! Meet me at Applebee’s RIGHT NOW! This story is CRrrrrrAZY!”
We met, got a table, and started going at it.
She told me that her girlfriend had gone from online talking to one guy in particular, to eventually talking on the telephone. (All this was right before Skype, but I don’t recall my friend telling me the two of them ever talked/saw one another on video cam either).
At any rate.
Some months into getting to know one another over the phone, the guy drove to the city so that they could officially meet (he knew some people in town and would be in the city for about a week, so they made plans to hang out and do whatever-for the week).
Wellllll…
As much as he liked her, he was disappointed and blatantly told her she was too “fat” for him, and his whole anticipation of this official moment was dampened. I don’t remember what, if any, details my friend gave me about their “week,” but if my memory serves me correctly, I don’t think he stayed the whole week (as planned)…
After he left, things changed, he had gone on about his way, and she-hers.
(And for the record according to my friend, her friend’s personality is such that, although she was very hurt and lil’ was taken aback by it, she thought it was pretty funny).
At any rate, one day (out the clear blue sky) the guy called her up and told her that he had been having long talks with himself about his decision and wanted to know if she would consider picking up where they left off. He said that he liked her so much that he was willing to put his shallowness aside to try and get past it all. I do recall that he was impressed with the fact that she had “a world” …and in addition to that, he liked everything about her up until he saw that she was “fat,” but he kicked that little devil off his shoulder and kept it moving with the girl! (Awesome!…He’s a keeper-that is a rarity in men, and for the record, no, it was not one of those deals where some kind was preying on the low self-esteem of a vulnerable fat girl, to my understanding, she was not “that” kind of “fat” girl)…
Long story short…he liked her enough that they began courting back and forth from the 200-mile distance to the point where he began making plans with her on building a life (together/with her). Eventually he moved to the city, they got a house, bought other property, began renting out to tenants, started a small business, and he just…starting making this things happen with this girl (like men DO when they feel they’ve found their Queen and can finally exhale)…
According to my friend, he really loves her-so much so that my friend said they were two peas in a pod to an “annoying” fault…
Well, the last time I checked, the two of them were still doing well (and her friend is still “fat”) but so what…he loves her, and did what a man does when he really wants a woman: PROFESS, and BUILD with you: 50-50. There are millions of skinny women all over the world who would kill for a beautiful love story and a man like this.
In every sense of the word, what an exceptional happily ever after this is.
So (like I explained in the Introduction, and Gems #1 and 2) don’t ever underestimate the power of the importance of having “a world” of your own. It is that “something” that (can) interest him, which in turn (can) make him interested in you aside from the other Jokers, other numbers (and surprisingly-it can withstand lust and desire). It’s a very important factor.
BACK TO A MAN’S “REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING”
On the backhand side of “interest only” is that other thing-that “programming” of men.
As women, when we are in love and in a mutually respected relationship, we tend to try and honor many of the things that our man says he wants or thinks is sexy and beautiful. When he fathers our children, we-like him (and usually at his request), will allow him to watch and witness the entire birthing process and grant him the privilege and the gift of cutting the chord of our new extension and seed of life. As well, many of us become so bosom-buddy close with our man that he’s like a best friend to us. When it gets to that point, we don’t mind letting our hair down (or sitting it on the dresser or nightstand). We don’t mind allowing him to see us looking rough because we are already confident with the fact that we are beautiful and special to him.
Well, while all that may very well be true, if I had to give you a visual of what a man’s “instinct-nature” looks like, it would be something like this:
Have you ever watched a movie (or seen in person) a little boy, teen, or man stop in their tracks to admire a beautiful puppy, car, or woman-where their jaw drops, their eyes light up and all goes in slow motion? Well as silly as that sounds, whether that literally happened when that man stepped to meet you or not, trust that it did happen in his mind (especially if he approached you)…
But the funny thing about a man’s “programming” is that when the two of you begin to relationship/get to know one another, and get close; together, you both decide to remove all those (seemingly) “silly little things” that jump-started the relationship and took a lot of time and upkeep maintaining. Men are very good at bringing these things to the table first (most of the times-sincerely-in an effort to prove his true love for you).
While all that may sound good “on paper” you had better pay attention to that “gray” area (that even HE doesn’t understand)…
Despite what they say, men are attracted to the completed package. Their INSTINCT-NATURE does not like to be bothered with the “details” of what it takes to complete the package. When a man sees a beautiful woman, his mind doesn’t dissect all that it took to make her look beautiful that day. All his mind (and that shallow little devil on his shoulder) cares about is what’s in front of his face-right here, right now. Men’s fantasies are about the shiny red package with the satin, shiny, curly ribbon. They do not care about the bubble wrap, newspaper shredding, and dull cardboard inside of a box…(wrapped with that red shiny satin and shiny, curly ribbon)…
If you wish to KEEP the: desire, and lust of your man, then you have to keep many of your “beauty secrets” and processes in that box…MAINTAIN that “mystery” and all that you were doing that got him-in order to keep him…(despite what his mouth says).
…“Said I’d like to know where you got the notion? Don’t rock the boat. Don’t rock the boat baby. Don’t tip the boat over”…it’s more than just a line in a song…It is your lifeline (or anchor) of his desire for you.
Don’t do away with: mystery, desire, and lust being a matter of importance. Get rid of the tired trite notion that: lust and desire are for superficial relationships and that: “We are past that stage” verbiage…YOU might be…because as women-we settle, accept, and nurture (when we love a man). But men are designed a little differently in that department. They survive, and seek to exhale. And once they do, they constantly “need oxygen” in order to keep exhaling (if you know what I mean). So with that being said, you can’t get over comfortable and completely cut off his supply…You can keep thinking that ole’: “We are past that stage” concept if you’d like to, but to keep being demonstrative in feeling that is a good way for him to get past you (in the desire and lust department-although he may still love you, be interested in you, and still be with you).
Sure-desire, lust, and mystery are not proof of “love” anymore than a lion would desire a pig, however, they are the ingredients of interest and passion; no less necessary for the love in a relationship than it was that same thing that sparked it from the beginning. Either way (just the same), and as oxymoron as this may seem: It is as “foolish” to think that desire, lust, and mystery is proof of “love” as it is to think that desire, lust, and mystery is not what keeps it together: happily (rather than out of routine and habit).
Either way, you can’t cancel out one, or the other. For companionship, one OR the other is essential. It’s all up to YOU whether or not YOU are okay with a solid relationship built on his burning interest, respect and love for you, OR if you are okay with a solid relationship built on his burning interest, respect, love, (and as well) his desire and lust for you (too).
If all that information comes at a surprise to you and you’re wondering if you are in that boat: rocking it or having already rocked it…all is not lost. Sure, you may have showed your hand, and lay it all on the table, but at any time you wish to, you are free to pick it up, shuffle it, and deal it all over again. You mustn’t forget an important lesson that I kept reiterating in Gem #3: When a man respects/has love for a woman, or has found/decided on his Queen, anything is reversible. Where women are concerned, men are VERY programmed, but just like a remote control, they are easily de/re-programmable (again: when they have love for/respect a woman).
No matter how programmed men are in their thinking where women are concerned, they will easily obey and cooperate with a woman they love and respect-from one extreme (in life matters) all the way over to the other extreme (in love matters).
If another woman makes an attempt to correct a man’s negative views of women in general or disallows him to discuss women in a negative light, he will cooperate and obey her command.
As well, in a relationship with a man, whenever you make the decision (and effort) to put forth more of your “shiny red package with the satin, shiny, curly ribbon,” and less brazen with your “bubble wrap, newspaper shredding, and dull cardboard…” he will forget all about the “bubble wrap, newspaper shredding, and dull cardboard” in an instant. It’s like a new step in the relationship, and him wondering why all of a sudden you made a change like that (almost like wondering if there is another man involved), yet, little will he know, you are merely re-gifting yourself for him.
When a man is already interested in you, loves, and respects you; he can (and will) desire and lust you all over again if you make the effort…and have at least a little bit of mystery about yourself (like you did in the beginning-when you got him)…
Never forget the fact that as long as you do not blow his Oedipus-like complex of a fantasy (as explained in Gem #5-by submitting and giving him things that he did not earn, too much-too soon), he will grow to love and respect you. A man will be very obedient and cooperative with a woman that he loves and respects at anytime, anywhere, and at any stage of relationship.
When we women become involved in a mutually respected and established relationship with men, we get our wires crossed with that word: “relationship” and we start canceling out the word and one thing that keeps us happy, doting, wives and girlfriends and keeps them happy doting, satisfied, husbands and boyfriends: “companionship.”
Although “relationship” is important, (as, two people have to “relate” in order to relationship) but because men and women are wired and programmed differently, relationship is not necessarily the glue that holds it together THAT KEEPS US AND OUR MAN HAPPY…companionship does that-relationship just holds it together (but not necessarily happily).
As a woman,
