love and we eventually hit the sack to express that in many-a-back and forth raging scenes of mad lust through our various octaves, moans and screams of passion–doing our best to assure him that we (and “it”) belongs only to him, unfortunately it only works in that moment of togetherness. Because his male-hood knows that unless you can truly prove to him that you even have it in you to be remotely close to his emotionally strong companion; he feels that the moment he cuts you lose and away from his arms reach, the (right) next man who whispers (the right) good things in your ear can too, have you screaming the same good things.
The one and only way a woman can prove to a man that she is remotely close to his emotional “MQ,” again (first-off top), is by making sure that everything she accepts is best for her emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and financial good, while firmly rejecting accepting from him-what is not. Those daily lessons will teach him how to treat you, and he will adapt and respect your boundaries (and you).
Just like I stated earlier in this chapter (about my belief in the ‘natural’); we are all connected (animals and people). And just like we train our four-legged friends how not to shit on us, where not to shit on us, and how not to jump up on our person or our possessions without permission; you have to govern your “house” (your mind, body, heart and mind) the same way.
It’s not a game, or some fake cat and mouse rack of silliness where you are premeditating and marking your calendar off as to when it is safe to let him have full access to your body, mind, money, gifts, niceties and time. When you are foreal about your happiness, you are real about that-no compromising your boundaries just to have a man.
There’s no sense in being fake about it because just like our four-legged friends can sniff fear, men can sniff fakery. When it comes to a woman’s personal fortress-they know what’s real and what’s not real behind those emotional trenches. They know-instinctively. Know that. In the land of emotional strength, from the age of 8 to 80, men are smart hunters and gathers when it comes to women. They are keenly aware of the strength of their own emotional survivability and how it can magically (for years) go so undetected by women, and because of his knowing that-unless you govern your “house” by teaching him how to treat you; there will be no other way to prove to him that turning over his emotions to fully invest in trusting you is worth his monogamy and building with you. Because remember: Their emotions are protected-it’s their security (their ability to survive as described in the Introduction). Our unprotected emotions are what we use to secure our security (giving up our body, mind, money, gifts, niceties and time-unearned).
Learning to not be a doormat (and pushing up on men) all works to your advantage when you know how to invite and open certain doors for him, certain kinds of ways. That quality (taking care of you-first, while making him earn his niceties and keep), is an attractive and invaluable quality that the average blazingly beautiful woman cannot come through and draw a wedge in between. But you have to know how to balance it-pace yourself and do it right.
Every step that he was allowed, how soon, and how easily it was handed to him-he retains. It’s not only about holding out on sex with a man. Contrary to popular belief (and what sometimes comes out of a man’s mouth about it-because remember, what “nurtures” and sustains them is typically the polar opposite of what flies out of their mouths from the language their male “nature” is speaking), it’s not so much about how soon he was able to bed you-being the determining factor in what he feels about you or how he’ll treat you, as it is all your other niceties and gifts that you simply hand over to him unearned. Per his “nature” sex is merely something a male feels a female should give him simply because he’s attracted to her and she-him. Giving it to him “nurtures” his maleness, he feels received, and therefore-wanted. Outside of sex, the only value in it all (that he is retaining-every step of the way) is that he is earning his stripes and keep. That nurtures his maleness and strokes his manhood at the same time while depositing into his “Bank of Trust” for you. It works on his subconscious. It helps him determine not only if you’re worth keeping, but worth trusting-to call his woman and to build with you (or no).
Don’t let desperation, impatience, “living only once,” and “what-ifs”, confuse you into not being able to distinguish the difference from a friendly (open invitation) called a “hello” (or smile and nod) versus approaching a man and giving him the invitation with a ribbon around it.
It’s just not “natural” for women to approach men. A man is equipped with all the faculties required to build on something solid (when he truly wants to). My thinking is, when you start in (asking), you stand a better chance of being put in that position of having to ask (and beg) for things while trying to build on things like: love, attention, affection, to be desired, spent quality time with etc.,-all the things a man is capable (and BEST AT DOING) when he asked for your attention and gave the invite-initially. That is his “hunting” nature by which nurturing relates (and eventually responds to) you can’t fight that. When a man pursues a woman, she is more in control of running the show than what she thinks. Typically her show stops because she has no understanding of her power -her “go.”
In the land of relationship, gender-roles, relation-shopping, or relating, (even in place of the word: “confidence”) it is expected that a man has an innate ability to assert himself enough that he should be able to approach a woman. And obviously, although the setting and circumstances will vary; the point of contact and approach-wherever, however-should always be initiated by that man-regardless.
A woman has to look at a man’s ability (or inability) to assert himself in direct parallel to how he truly (or subconsciously) sees himself in the world around him: Timid? Apprehensive? Unsure? Insecure? Or Assertive? Confident? Sure?
As harsh as it may sound, in 2012, a woman has to consider his ability to (or inability to) assert himself a little bit like his ambition or drive. She has look at this ability in him the same way that a man consciously (or subconsciously) looks at a woman’s youth and/or beauty as an indicator of her capability to procreate. “Traditionally” a man’s function is to be the provider of the house while the woman’s function is to provide the family. There are certain things that are required of woman to start that family: To be able to produce. As well, there are certain things that are required of a man in order for him to lead his role: Be able to provide.
So if a man is intimidated, unsure, timid, apprehensive, and insecure about approaching a woman (who has yet to open her mouth to give him a reason to be intimidated by her-which still, should be none) that means something as miniscule as her physical beauty shut him down. While that may be flattering, it is not a “considerable” or redeeming quality-at all-by any stretch of the imagination.
It’s even biblical. And even if you do not subscribe to biblical philosophy, still, it is sensible, logical, reasonable, and simple: “As The King Goes, So Goes His World” in Layman’s terms, that means: all that he leads shall follow…
That includes everything up to and including his wife, kids, and the ways in which he will seek, hunt, and gather to secure provision. In Layman terms: how he makes his money.
As you associate his ability (or inability) to assert and migrate into society and the world,
If he cannot assert himself over something as delicate as a flower (you), how can he assert himself in a world of sharks, lions, tigers, and bears?
Oh my…
His inability to assert himself and take-charge at that initial introduction will tell you a lot about how he is capable of cowering out in a much more serious situation that may require him to be more than a paper tiger. How, in what way, or can he protect and provide for you, or build with you?
“Expectation” can be an awful thing between human beings regardless if it’s business or personal. It almost seems unfair because in an expectation of any kind, something is expected (whether: said, done, or adhered to)-from one side of another side (right, wrong, earned or deserved).
As bad as that may sound, expectations are necessary in most instances such as: your job having an expectation of you in order for you to be paid. The “right” that they have in expecting something from you is as listed in your job description. And in the event you cannot meet those job descriptions, you can either be: terminated, demoted, or transferred elsewhere.
Parents have certain expectations of their children.
Children have expectations of their parents.
In relations with our friends and other relationships, we have certain expectations of one another, usually unspoken and not communicated, but rather: assumed (and expected).
Although sometimes unfair, expectations are indeed necessary.
Expectations make the interpersonal world go ‘round as much as other things that we feel are unfair do-like: racism, prejudice, and other unnecessary evils-they too, make the world go ‘round, despite the fact that we could live peacefully without such things.
In matters of relating, it is usually normal for any human being to be shy (at times), and we all have some shyness in us that comes out in various social situations.
Men however, are up against a different kind of pressure (and expectation) when it comes to being shy in social situations and relating to women. By gender role, a man is considered to be that hunter. And since the beginning of time, he has been socialized (and expected) to be the aggressor in many social (and professional) situations, but especially in meeting women.
So much has changed since the beginning of time.
There are men who still believe in, abide by, adhere to the gender role expectation of yesteryear (that, before the Women’s Liberation Movement) women too, once adhered to, and abided by their gender role expectations of: staying home, caring for the home, and bearing children while the male worked and provided for the home that the woman was responsible for taking care of. That was her only job: caring for the home and family.
Many years have passed since the Women’s Liberation Movement, which was a “gateway” that opened up many ideas, doors, and ideals that made it comfortable (and acceptable) for women to transform from those gender roles of yesteryear. They then migrated into a society where they were able [and had rights to] work and socialize as men do.
The Industrial Revolution embraced these changes and migrations. Women have thrived and survived in jobs and occupations as good as men did, and eventually, both (the man and the woman sharing the same household) became “hunters and gatherers.” They came together to make and provide for the family, take care of the family and care for the home equally.
Since the beginning of these kinds of changes, it has always been a hot-button issue as to whether or not as the world turned; it made a turn for the worst.
Some would argue that these changes did, and still is, emasculating men.
Others would argue that instead, it merely empowered women and built stronger families.
Feminists, women, men, or even men who are feminists, will never all agree one way or the other, yet, one thing we can all agree on as women, is that we women have all read or heard men say things along these lines:
- a) “It turns me on when a woman is secure enough to approach me.”
- b) “I get tired of initiating the conversation or date. I want a woman to do it sometimes.”
- c) “I think it’s sexy and shows that a woman is independent if she pays for dinner.”
Do not ever believe/allow (a,b,c), and for more than one reason.
I’ll give you the DETRIMENTAL REASON why you should not allow it-first:
You may have spared yourself the emotional, mental, spiritual and/or physical expense of getting involved with a (possible) misogynistic man (like we discussed in Gem #9 “Misogynistic Types: How to Spot One. What to Do.”) This is not to say that all men who feel or have expressed the aforementioned (a,b,c) are misogynistic types, but misogynistic types (who too, are narcissists) are indeed the type who feel (a,b,c)-seriously and firmly. Although a misogynistic type will too, do the initiating, the way he treats you will be demonstrative of (a,b,c)-passive-aggressively, aggressively, and cruelly so.
Now for the SUPERFICIAL REASON why you should not allow (a,b,c):
Never forget what I stated in the Introduction: Women Can Fake Orgasms But Men Can Fake A Whole Entire Relationship (For Years), about the differences between men and women and that a woman will settle for mental, and/or physical and/or financial (and especially) emotional survival, but that unless a man has committed (to his “Queen”), he will settle for mental, physical, or financial survival-never emotional.
Having said that, because a man can survive a relationship with a woman (for years) with whom he does not (truly) love/emotionally attached to, often times, the beginning-how you met-his pursuit of you and what he did to maintain, or gain your interest in him will be your most important (and in some situations) your only indicator of the fact that his interest in you-was really there (because he did the initiating and pursuing).
Although that doesn’t necessarily mean all is well, or will end well because of that, at least (if it does not end well/or it simply-ends) you will have something to consider: the fact that you did not chase, pursue, or initiate something that (otherwise) may not have ever happened. When you chase, pursue, initiate (or allow a,b,c) if it does not end well or ends, you will feel the insult to injury, versus at least knowing he did what a man is supposed to do: initiate and pursue.
And lastly, the BIOLOGICAL REASON why you should not believe (a,b,c):
We will be discussing in Gem #19 “Til’ Death Do You Part or Come Undone: Why Maintaining Your Mystery Will Forever Be Important” this particular reason-in detail. But in short, know this one thing about a man: Although he may mean well (many of his sentiments about your naturalness, the desire to watch his child being born, his love for seeing you “natural”/look a mess around the house, etc.,) a man can love and be with a woman ‘til death do they part however, he can easily (or slowly) lose his desire and attraction to her because she fail victim to doing, showing, and giving him the side of her that his mouth said (and heart may truly feel). Because a man’s instinctual nature as a male species…responds to a totally different thing than what his mouth says and heart may truly feel…
His male species instincts are connected to his eyes and what makes his heart pitter-patter; it is what keeps his desire and attraction held captive by you (a woman).
What’s held in his mind, his ego/heart is what keeps him loving you and with you.
That dichotomy is something that even they don’t understand the reason why…
But, as this biological reason pertains to my suggesting you not believe (a,b,c), it’s like I just explained, although (a healthy-minded male who’s not a misogynistic type) may say/express/feel (a,b,c), his malehood does not respond to that because by nature (instinctually) men are: hunter’s and aggressors, who initiate, seek and find. And when that part of the role is reversed, it’s not a natural “feel” to them-so it is not as desirably “right” as if he did the pursuing. It’s like taking the romance out of it (for him-unbeknownst to him)…
Let’s summarize this so that we are clear:
