Why You Should NEVER Approach a Man First
As we move into this chapter, let me preface it by reminding you of some things (about this book).
This book is merely about how to be emotionally smart, savvy and sexy and uncovering the secret language of men.
It is not necessarily about “How to Get a Man,” “How to Get a Man to Put a Ring on It,” nor is it page-fillers of bedazzling quotes and cliché’s merely worthy of stern, brow-dips and firm hand claps soliciting countless screams of “Amen!” that, after which, you either forget all about or can’t bit more figure out how to use when the curtain goes down and your own life becomes a stage and the curtains raise again. It isn’t about teaching women how to think like men, but rather-while relating to men; how to deal with, and control your own (female) emotions by understanding the differences in male versus female emotions-teaching you how to have a keen eye for specific types of men and understanding the difference in why what they say, or do is different than what they respond to, desire and hang on to. This book isn’t necessarily about a man not being that into you, but rather-suggesting ways and how truly getting into you makes you extremely attractive and
desirable (to anybody). This book is a conversation between women. It’s not about any particular rules or religious or spiritual exercises other than suggestive rituals of self-respect and creating natural, sustainable (rather than forced and temporary) boundaries that enable you to be whole woman before, during, or after any relationship. That is exactly what this book is about.
In my opinion, those books have not worked out so well because many of them skip the parts that women need to hone in on first-like: “Who are you,” what is it that you are wanting (from a man/out of a relationship-first), what is it that you have to offer (to that man/that relationship), and equally as important: do you feel you can handle adapting to what a man says versus what he responds to, because they are two different things that hold (and keep) his interest.
In different ways than for women, it takes for there to be certain things about a woman for men to be sincerely interested in her and as well, it takes for there to be certain things about that woman for him to want to be with her only (for the long-haul) certain things that she needs to be aware of so that she won’t hurt herself in the long-run.
Becoming and being a “whole” woman is so crucial. Our personal “who,” “what,” and “why” questions (as well as the answers to them) are essential inner dialogue that we must have answers to before even considering dating and diving into relations with men. Having a personal set of standards and boundaries that cannot be crossed is essential even before a man enters your life. Because with as much access, availability and “competition” as there is out here for a man; a woman needs to be fully aware, and content with who she is, where she is, and why she is so that she is not easily mislead, or working off her emotions without having a clue if the man she is involved with is merely “surviving” (as I explain in the Introduction), and if so-what to do about it. This chapter will indeed explain just what to do about that.
Everything I wrote about in the Introduction through gems 1-7, and gem 9 is strictly about delving into yourself, how we relate to one another as women, and how men really see us, strategize, proceed and decide from that. As well, 1-9 was written to show you how to look at men from outside of your female/emotional eyes and prepare you for the hardcore truth about our male-female differences (and sameness), and what it is we must do to avoid getting caught on the short of the emotional stick of our relations with men and each other-as individual women, and as friends (gem 8).
Chapter gems 10-19 explain how to understand male psyche in relation to the world we share with them, and various circumstances and situations by which we as women respond, as compared to the way men respond to us women.
By the time you reach chapter gems 20-21’s unconventional methodology about love everlasting, you will definitely have a keen eye for, and better understanding of how we’ve gone wrong, what we did right and allowed to go wrong, as well as how to deal-now-going forward. Gems 20-21 will show you various emotional, mental, and physical techniques and strategies that allow a man to be a man without you losing your sense of self, him, and securing his sincere and reciprocated: respect, adoration, and love for you.
Having explained all that, if you have not taken the time to read and absorb the Introduction + gems 1-9; then you absolutely, positively will not be able to process [or handle what I suggest and write about in] gems 10-19. Because there, I peel back all the layers back and go straight in-to provoke you to have inner monologue and by refusing to offer you politically correct half-truths and padded, fairy-tale like, or intangible remedies for things about our relations with men that I feel (until this book) have not be explained well enough. I wouldn’t say because they didn’t want to, but perhaps in an effort to write “safe”-for profit, popularity, promotion ability, rather than to write for “real.”
I am a woman who too, if I’ve read one-I read them all.
I know from experience of knowing men and women intimately-exactly what’s been missing (and hidden from women-to help them know the truth and how to command-not demand being treated well, and sincerely loved by men).
But instead of complaining and rebutting, I decided to write my own book without worrying about “profiting” and avoiding revolt, and in doing so-I felt I could be free to speak the [relative] truth that’s been missing in these types of books.
At any rate.
I felt this chapter was extremely important for women because (even without relating it to “relationship”) we know that the foundation upon which anything is built is what keeps it sturdy (be it a business or a building).
As you may have read thus far (or from any of my other nonfiction work), when I write, I make sure I explain where my “thinking” came from-because myself-I don’t like to read anything teaching, advising, suggesting I do, think, or feel a certain way and expect me to just turn over the book and rely on your reputation, popularity, or educational credentials for my trust and understanding in what you say. When I’m being taught, advised or suggested a thing, I’m looking for your personal connection and experience to it, and as well; how ‘natural’ your philosophy is. Because in the nature of human beings and all living and existing things of the world; we (and it) are all connected in some way or another. So, I’m looking for that “connection-” even if not ‘logical’ or scientific, I need a rational connection (at best).
So when I write a chapter title (that suggests): “Why You Should Never Approach a Man First,” my thinking is simply the scientific inarguable: Men are the stronger of the sexes, both emotionally (initially), and physically stronger. That being said, in the land of emotions, men already have an emotionally capable surviving advantage over women, so when I write a book and chapter like this one (about male -v- female emotions), do know that everything I suggest is because of, and in relation to the fact that there is a certain emotional comfortable and typical point that women have to be able to commandeer from inside of men in order for them to even consider a woman sincerely (rather than for means of survival). A woman has to first, have boundaries-and be very firm and demonstrative (not demanding) about not having them crossed.
And let’s be clear about what having boundaries are. Boundaries are a set of basic expectations for yourself that you have even before any man steps into your space that, should he step on and over those-is your red flag that your own happiness is in jeopardy. And should you allow them to be stepped on and walked over-just to keep that man around, then you—have no boundaries. And when we aren’t “whole” (to begin with), we allow things to happen that we otherwise should not allow.
When our relationships with men go sour, we are mostly bitter because of the way it began and/or what did not happen (during)…and in hindsight, we always seem to know what we should not have allowed but did (for fear of being left and alone). I’ve found that as women, there are two key things we need to take very serious. Because when all is said and done, one or the other of these things are the only real and true references that we have to consider (when determining whether or not that man really did want us and was really sincere about the relationship). Those two KEY things are:
-The FOUNDATION (the beginning): The fact that he approached you and displayed his interest in you (versus you approaching him)
-The BUILDING (the “during”) was all of what you wanted (or felt you needed) met? Whether it be love, sex and affection, quality time (security, financial, building something solid together)
When things go sour, we tend to be most bitter toward the man when the issue was, one, or both of those two keys were missing from the “foundation” and in the “building.”
But like I explain thoroughly in the Introduction, men are not after what we are after (initially). Men have an “emotional plan” of sorts, and we merely have emotions that we work off of. As explained in that Introduction, men only work off of and from their own preconceived “emotional plan” (even before meeting you). And when we go at it (by approaching men first-never having gotten the chance to play with the fantasy of him having pursued us) + allowing him to have his way with us (financially and/or physically, and/or having unearned access to our amenities-like our car, homes, hot plates, and our gift of submission—unearned) we feel angry, slighted and used because we have not collected on sincere reciprocated love and affection, the quality time, or security of his financial help and building something solid together with us.
There will always be shaky ground if that man did not pursue you or earn your personal, emotional, mental, financial and physical “niceties.” All those things (+ your gift of submission) is your “bonus.” When we are not “whole” (secure, confident, content with who we are, why we are, where we are-before he even came along) we tend to hand over those gifts and bonuses much too soon without him having earned them. And when we do, we are no longer a “prize” to that man.
When a man is over and done with a woman (with a clear head/unbroken heart/and sound decision) and he decides he no longer wants, likes, wants to be with, or needs that woman, there is pretty much nothing she can say to force him to change his mind without annoying and smothering him. And if that be the case, he will find a way to get her out of his life even if it boils down to blunt force cruelty. (You know the examples I’m speaking of-we’ve all experience it to varying degrees). It’s not necessarily because he is a “dog” but men are hunters on an “emotional plan” that they will not allow be interrupted. Until then (if at some point in the relationship it turns out that you didn’t fit his “emotional plan”), he will indeed survive with you if he has to (without telling you that).
Women (the weaker sex), typically makes exceptions in cases like that. In contrast, when a woman decides she does not want a man, he stands a better chance of hanging on to her than she does with him. It’s just in our nature to allow it. Not theirs.
So to make sure you do not put yourself [in positions uncompromised and unexpected] there is only one remedy:
Keep yourself from feeling bitter in the end by making sure you are taking care of yourself, your wants, and your needs in the beginning (AND especially-during). Because chances are, if you are firm (and not desperate or overbearing) in doing so, there won’t be an “end” (if you are truly what, and who he wants to end up with). Period.
But in the (unfortunate) event you are not who he wants to end up with, if you take care of you-your wants, your desires, and your perceived needs at the foundation and while building; you are less likely to feel slighted and bitter. Chances are, you will be emotionally and unguardedly free to move on with an open heart for the next relationship-better able and equipped to deal with your own emotions, and with a better understanding of how to deal with theirs [in relation to women, which is what the premise of this book is about].
In the land of men and women, men’s emotions are much deeper than women but they do not allow themselves to be put into situations so quickly (like we women do), they do not put their emotions at the forefront and work off of them (like we do).
Their emotions are protected-it’s their security.
Our unprotected emotions are what we use to secure our security.
Although men and women are not exactly like two ships passing in the night, we do relationship differently and you’re going to have to accept the fact that you cannot secure a man’s (true and sincere) emotions and security by handing over your car, home, money, body and good lovin,’ hot home-cooked meals, and submission unearned (as explained in Gem #5 “Femininity -vs- Playing Yourself”). Those things are no more transferable for his true and sincere emotional security than buying you your favorite drink at a bar should get you home in the bed with a man. Although it can or may get you home in bed with a man, (and just like although handing those things over unearned can and may indeed make him hang around) chances are, if he hasn’t earned them, he will survive with you (no different than how he may cavalierly treat you after buying you your favorite drink at a bar and making it home with you) until that next woman stimulates or satisfies his “hunt.”
The nature of “The Chase” with men is as essential as an animal chasing in the wild to survive. It’s that natural to them. Despite what a man says out of his mouth, (and like I explain in Gem #19), his nature [and nurture: what he responds to-what sustains him) are two totally different things. That is where our male/female wires get crossed and where we women always lose in the game.
So while considering the foundation of relationship with men, you can settle for that inner female monologue of haggling with the notion that “you only live once,” “it shows a man that you are confident,” “if I don’t approach him/what-if,” and “some guys love it when a woman approach them” if you want to, but the blunt truth is-that is merely your female self talking to your female self-a language that his male (nurture-self) does not speak. That inner female monologue you are having is no different than if a man decides that the relationship is over, packs up and leaves, yet, you go after him in constant emails, texts, phone call etc. in search of “closure.”
We women like to hang on to a thousand (seemingly deep, philosophical and spiritual) excuses to hang on to our emotions to get, and keep men. Sometimes, we will even develop methods and ways to call it ‘healthy’ when it is not, nor does it speak the language to men we want it to-to ensure that man is truly and sincerely into us, willingly, and for the right and solid reasons (little does our emotional heart and female selves know).
The difference between men and women is that under no uncertain terms do men go after “closure” (unless they left with a broken heart and still wanted the woman-and most never will seek closure, even if they do feel that way). They collect the pain, and move on in the hunting and mating game. And should that woman who broke his heart show up in his life when he has moved on and fell in love with another woman, if he has already begun “building” something with his new woman (as described in the upcoming gem #17 Men, Money and Their Emotions), that woman who left him with a broken heart (at bare minimum) may get a hot night or two-but he will not leave what he loves and is building with, for his old flame. If he is not in the process of building-he may stay. It is the nurture of men that they are solid (despite how they may act on and what their “nature” makes them do and say), but what their “nurture” responds to-what sustains them-is building, not begging (when they mean business about a woman).
We women with a broken heart and at the first available opportunity; will seek closure unless blunt force cruelty is exercised (and then we end up with a broken heart, bitter, and either hating men or unnecessarily guarded and closed towards other men). It’s our fault. Not theirs. We women are in much more control of what our inner female monologues will allow us to understand-when it comes to men (but only if we can act past our emotions and think on our feet rather than on our backs while we are standing).
Again, as a woman in relations with a man whose options are plenty and of a wide variety that he may (or may not) take advantage of; the only assurance you will have that-that man wanted you will rest firstly, in that foundation: The fact that you know he pursued/summoned you. Secondly, while “building” (as described early in this chapter written in bold caps) the fact that you got every want and need fulfilled during the relationship without desperately begging for it, or being deprived of it out of his neglect (and your settling for such a thing). That is the only way you can be in, or leave a relationship still being that whole woman-knowing, or having not knowing whether or not he was faithful, or sincere rather than surviving with you (as described in the Introduction).
You have to be serious-business about making sure your wants and needs are being met, and that he earns yours-because you are the emotionally weaker sex, he can survive you in ways that you heart cannot survive him.
When we are not whole women (before he came along), and we do not get our needs met, but we meet his time and time again (unearned); when our breakups occur, the pain is mostly for that reason. But when we keep in mind (at the forefront) our personal requirements while building, after the foundation (as defined in bold caps earlier in this chapter) whether he played naughty or nice does not hurt as bad.
So having explained all that, if you happen to still be okay with starting the foundation of your relationship on that kind of “language” of haggling with that notion: “you only live once,” “if I don’t approach him/what-if,” “some guys love it when a woman approach them” and “it shows a man that you are confident,”), take another look back at what I wrote in caps and in bold: “KEY,” “FOUNDATION” and “BUILDING”
…With the foundation missing, you had better be a damned good builder if you insist on something solid, because (in the nurture of men) your building is all you will be working with and where you indeed had better exercise and show your confidence-because you’re going to need it.
It’s real, what I mentioned in the Introduction when I gave it its title: “Women Can Fake Orgasms, But Men Can Fake An Entire Relationship.” That’s representative of the stark-raving difference in the strength of a man being the stronger sex (emotionally) versus women being the weaker sex (emotionally). Men are emotionally bred to survive in the game of love and emotions up to the very point they activate their “emotional plan”-that is the point that they make a choice to break down and build with the woman of his choice. Until then, he can and will survive the emotional game much better than a woman will ever be able to (and be able to detect).
A man building with you (as defined in gem #17-Men, Money, and Their Emotions) is the only clue a you will be able to gauge whether or not that man is with you for the long haul. But getting to that point (obviously) does not happen overnight. That being the case, a woman has to command (not demand) a man be the man in every way that his nurture responds to, first-by making sure he opens the invitation of interest to her (the foundation). And from there (while building-as defined early in this chapter in caps), she has to make sure she is not begging for time, attention, affection, finances, quality time etc., and too, not giving of her emotional, mental, physical, financial self, gift of submission and amenities (as described in gem #5-Femininity –vs- Playing Yourself), unearned-just to have him around in hopes that he will stay. Although he may stay (because his nature will allow it), do know that his nurture is always open to conquer and secure. His manhood needs that to fully and truly love and appreciate a woman.
So be in practice of making him earn you in every way possible. The good thing about that is there are no hidden traps or methodologies involved in putting forth your boundaries; he will definitely respect you for letting him know what he can and can’t have or take advantage of simply because he’s cute and bossing in the bedroom. Sometimes you have to break his cycle of “faking relationships for years” again, not by demanding, but commanding your respect and refusing to be treated anything less than a desired and wanted woman. The only way to “command” it is to (first) be true to yourself about yourself. If you know that you are worthy of all good things and good treatment, and you are not willing to compromise those things just to have that man around you; then everything you accept as good for your: emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and financial good, while firming rejecting to accept from him-what is not, he will adapt and respect your boundaries (and you). He will build with you on that, and based on that.
You will be amazed to know that many men fall in love with and marry women they had no intention on being with or plans past playing with—but slip and fall in love because of how she broke his cycle of bullshit-something other women were not able to do! Some women act like they don’t know how to put their foot down because they’re scared of the truth-they know that man really does not want them. Don’t be that woman: living but dying. It’s a lot of them out here-keeping up appearances. Those women are just as much in the habit of keeping up appearances as men are in the habit of knowing how to fake entire relationships (for years). It’s the same difference. A woman knows deep down inside when she is getting played and less than she wanted and hoped, just like a man knows when he is surviving, playing and open to deal again (elsewhere).
Go on and cry if you have to, but heal and deal. Play yourself a better hand. It can start right now-wherever you are. Get your truth. Only let the right man take up your mind, heart, body, and time. You know now, so you know better. You know now, that it all starts from the beginning. The beginnings of things are everything-that beginning energy and all things having to do with startup set the tone for how things are going to be maintained and sustained, or no.
There are so many plusses to a woman tapping into the power of her power that works so well to her benefit and advantage that too, make men (or that man) love her to pieces and always want to keep her around. When a woman can balance treating a man like a man but still getting all her needs met (while making sure he earns his before handing it all over to him), she deposits in him; a kind of “Bank of Trust” (little does she know). It (subconsciously) instills a kind of language of “loyalty” to him that nurtures and speaks to his manhood-in volumes. When a man likes and loves a woman, his biggest fear is that away from his presence, there is some other man out that who is capable of whispering the right words in (a/his) woman’s ear that could quite possibly turn his world upside down. Some men won’t even commit to women from out of that fear-alone. They don’t want to be bothered with the care or emotion of having to deal with that kind of a hassle. But when a woman is assertive enough to make him work for her time, attention, love, lovin,’ submission, and other niceties like soaking up her heat, enjoying her cable, driving her car etc., he feels like he can be a team with her. Her assertiveness subconsciously makes him feel secure, nurturing his nature: inch-by-inch. And before he is conscious of it; he’s locked down-from not only liking or loving her, but being attracted to her assertiveness such that he’ll slowly lose the fear of letting her out into the world while he’s trying to function and build with her.
You know how we get into fights with our men and we yell about how “insecure” he is [about other men]? Well it’s not that simple, cut and dry. It’s just that men know men. Men know male strength and their magical survivable emotional power in ways that we women don’t. Even if he can’t (or won’t) put it into words, this is what he knows is true:
Men are wired such that, no matter what any woman’s substantive or superficial redeeming qualities are; ALL women are in the same boat with men when it comes to a man’s surety in a woman being able to handle herself around, with, and especially in receipt of attention from men (even if he is not in a relationship with you-regardless your connection or relation to him-that is basic, top line, general, “male thinking” across the board about: his daughter, his mother, his grandmother, his sister, his auntie, his home girl, or his woman). And until he is proven otherwise, it will bottom-line, too.
In a man’s eyes, all women’s (MQ) “Man Quotient” is at a:
Platonic or otherwise, no matter how “cool” or relatable you are with a man, no matter how many drinks you can knock back with your male homies, how many blunts, cigars, or cigarettes you can puff and have homie-like conversation on, and no matter how many football games you can watch and grunt while tailgating with your male homies, that’s still not enough to prove to him that your female “emotion-ability” can handle the rough terrains of the various types of male “predators” out in search of female “prey(mates).”
Even when we think we’ve found