*ADULT READERS ONLY!

12.

 For His Sake (Then Yours): Why You Should Not Get into a Relationship With a Broke Man

*Twisting my lips and shaking my head slowly*

It’s alllllllllllllllways the broke ones aint it? They’ve got the best lovin’ on this side of the globe don’t they? 

It’s like the men who are doing okay/doing well for themselves are somewhere in the middle, and the men with money seem to be the worst of lovers don’t they? 

Typically, men with money have so much access to women making themselves available to them that they lose the passion and the patience (and care) that it takes to be good lovers in bed (if they sleep with a lot women). After having so much thrown at them, sex (itself) is all the same to them.

Rich, broke, or in the middle-men are special.

They are dealing with so much between society’s expectations of them (and opposite that-women’s expectations of them), that deep down inside, they feel (and know) that despite what their other attributes or respectable, honorable, and redeeming qualities are, their “surface,” instantaneous true value is:

·                    MONEY: How much they have and provide

·                    SEX: How good they are in bed

·                    LOOKS: Their good looks, virility, charm

…in that order. 

As blunt, cut and dry as that may sound; one or all three of those things hold value with a woman even if the man is emotionally and mentally unavailable either by his simply choosing not to be, or by way of another commitment he may be in. The fact of the matter is, how a man interacts with women in this world (interpersonally/in “relationshipping”) is typically (at first) centered around one, or all three of those bulleted areas. The undeniable fact of the matter is, even if a man has nothing else to offer, one [and especially all three] of those things will definitely get, and keep him afloat into the worlds and in many-a-woman’s door.

Sure, in conversation amongst one another (and especially around the company of men) no matter how politically correct it is for us women to dispel that fact as being true and we quickly denounce it by saying: “I like a man for his personality and how he treats me! That’s what keeps my attention on him-for him!”…the fact of the matter is, while that may indeed be true (for the most of us), it will always be unacceptable a reason to a man. Why? Because a man knows that no matter how smart, or intelligent, or funny, or kind he is to a woman-still, although she may like him, in his mind; those reasons are very temporary and have an expiration date that extends only for as long as the next man [who is the owner of one, or all three of those bullet points] begins to pull at your skirt-tail. 

In a man’s mind, what a woman thinks she feels, or thinks she knows-does not trump what he indeed: feels, and thinks, and definitely knows for a die-hard fact (when it comes to women in the world where there are other men). 

SIDENOTE: Pause for a second, and let’s get it straight-about this “think like a man” thing:

For starters, NO woman can literally “think” like a man without being a man, anymore than a gynecologist can describe the feeling of cold speculums sliding into a woman’s vagina. Or anymore than a man can write a book telling women how do anything other than how to “be” in order to [“get”/capture a man]…which is what the average book written by men (for women) tells and advises women:

-Why that man’s not into you

-How you need to think in order to get that man

-What magical secrets there are inside of a man’s mind for you to pull the rabbit out the hat to get your man and your ring etc., 

Sorry, this is not that book, that kind of a woman cannot write this kind of book and I am not that (kind) of woman.

When I stopped being in denial about what I wanted [things] to be versus what I could clearly see was being presented in front of me-I stopped the shenanigans and bullshit. I learned that it was such a big cycle of disillusion that only grew bigger because myself, and all my friends had the same mind frame about love and men. Nobody was being treated well, and everybody was doing all the giving-no getting, and doing all the gluing and forcing [to hold together]. So accepting bullshit-and the like-was the accepted norm. One day I woke up…I just I woke…the fuck up. I knew that unless I pulled myself out and away from it; strife with men and relationships would be my “life”-something “normal” that just: “is.”

No, that is not normal. 

I stopped treating myself as if what I felt I deserved and wanted was something that a man was incapable of giving, doing, or didn’t have in him to do or give. When you stop treating yourself like that is impossible, or when you see or hear those “fly-on-the-wall” kinds of report(s) that he is indeed capable and did (except not with you) if you’re smart and you love yourself enough; you’ll wake up and stop playing games with yourself. You will know that if the woman getting what you want and feel you deserve can’t be you-then that man should not have any access to you-your time, your body, your mind, keys to the car, house etc.-nothing.

I started being “into me” when I stopped being in denial and started digging deep into me. And that’s when I realized that being “kinetic” (learning how to “be” to make somebody “be into you,” and learning secrets inside of men’s mind’s etc.,) are merely things that teach you to “demand.”

Men are attracted (adhesive and cohesive).

Men are not attracted to female “demand.”

They are attracted to “magnetic” over “kinetic.”

Kinetic, demands.

Magnetic, commands.

Being able to command anything from anybody from a crowd, to a man is a job that can only be done by you-delving deep into you to learn how to present you (as the present/gift). 

I am a woman-who has experienced, or been up close and personal with damned near every thing I write about. If you’re paying attention, this book itself is not advising you “how to get a man,” (finger pointed out/external “how-to’s”). It is strictly written finger-to chest, mirror-to-face rather than knees to ground. (That’s why it’s reaching you a lot different that what you’re used to reading). I don’t like, love, or fall in love with men who don’t love me. So I cannot write you a book telling you how to do that. 

I don’t waste my time trying to figure out the psyche of individual men in my life, because when it comes to me, my life, and my heart; I have confidence and boundaries-they are too busy trying to understand and deal with my transparency and courage. That being said, I sure as heavens do not have, nor will I make the time for trying to deal with what’s not transparent and front and center for me. So I can only write a book that teaches the same.

I’m not bragging. I’m not all that knock-down, drag out gorgeous. But what I do have is something that a whole lot of women do not have: The patience to teach a man how to treat me. And if he doesn’t have the patience to want to learn, then he does not get my time. I do not believe in depleting and wiping myself out trying to deposit and invest time or anything into someone who would make it obvious to me that I am an option, rather than my being their necessity.

Furthermore, I am very aware of the power of my personal magnetism and it oozes through me to the fullest. If it doesn’t speak enough to peacock for me, then it’s a done deal. I do not pursue and chase dudes. No ma’am. That’s a man’s job (see Gem #10). 

Unlike a lot of women, I do not do or accept anything just to have a man. And I do not lose and give up my mystery to men so quickly. There is not a man alive who I had a relationship with in my entire lifetime that can tell you he felt like he was done “knowing” or loving me (perhaps too late), but still and regardless how I allowed myself to be treated (once upon a time). 

No, I’m not indomitable.  

In my lifetime (long-ago) have I “chased” men? Yes.

Have I loved unavailable men (by their choice or other commitment)? Yes-long ago, I sure did.

So, yes, I can write from experience and the heart of who I was compared to who I am now-what I refused to see clearly because I felt change and truth would give me a lot of lonely days and nights…seeing that as being more important than loving myself and living in transparency and truth. When I got past, and over that, I felt free. And since then, men started chasing and heavily pursing me. 

When it comes to my “love” life and my relationship with the opposite sex, it is be-au-ti-ful. No strife. No drama. No heartache and opaque confusion on my part and on my heart. If I have ninety-nine problems, chasing, heartbreak, and crying over men 'aint one-I assure you.

That being said, from this life, the “me”-now; I cannot write a book to teach you how to chase men, and how to “be” (for a man). I refuse to print that popular foolishness that’s only going to sell like hotcakes but lead your straight back to the drawing board (like it always has)-because those are not the remedies and answers.

This book is about being a woman of “steel”-not literally, but being your own magnet-not mush, a doormat, or subservient until deserved. So, like the title of this book, when a woman deals with a man (by knowing how men generally “think” when interacting with women), then metaphorically, she can indeed “think” [deal] with a man: toe to toe-first, before letting her heart step up to bat first (until that man deserves it).

In the land of “thinking like a man,” a man wants (for himself) a feminine, kind, cooperative, submissive, giving, helpful, sweet woman-any man does. Those are the surefire things that are not a threat to his manhood that he knows wouldn’t emasculate him or offend his pride and male-hood. If he is in a relationship with you (regardless the stage-whether you are the Heart, the Diamond or the Queen in his life) a man does not want a woman to “think like a man” when it comes to him, HOWEVER…he needs want a woman who can indeed think like a man in every way possible…when it comes to other men in the world out here pulling at your skirt-tail.

Whether you like it or not, the fact of the matter is, until he has made (and offered/asked you to be his Queen) while you are still the Diamond, or Heart, you do need to know how to “think like a man” when dealing with him up to the very moment he decides it is you that he wants, all his cards are on the table, and he has earned your: submission, cooperation, help, body, mind, and time (see: Gem #8’s chapter section: “A Woman Has To Know The Truth About Men In The Game Of Love In Order To Be A True Friend To Herself & To Her Friends” and the Introduction: “Women Can Fake Orgasms But Men Can Fake An Entire Relationship For Years.”) 

You have to face the fact that until a man has made you his Queen [slash] “only one” (rather than his Ace, Heart, or Diamond), you are in the middle of a game by which you have to know how to deal-no matter how kind, or all the wonderful things he is to you. And if you don’t play your cards right, and watch your hand: you lose.

I explained it in detail, in Gem #19: “‘Til Death Do You Part or Come Undone: Why Maintaining Your Mystery Will Forever Be Important” Nature and Nurture are totally different things. Where the ball of communication between men and women is often times dropped is where even if in their hearts and mind, a man may say one thing, his nature (that things that keeps him interested, desiring a woman, and intrigued) responds to a totally different thing. That, unfortunately, is one of the biggest, most innocent ways a woman loses in the game of love-being unaware of the difference in how his nature responds to and is attracted to things that, out of his mouth (and from his heart) he claims otherwise. Often times, the woman stopped (too soon) from “thinking like a man,” or didn’t know how to “think like a man” before he made it official that he indeed was, and wanted to be her man (without force, coercion, emotional blackmail, and all things unearned).

Like this book’s title, “dealing like a man” is not about playing games and laying traps to get a man-that is NOT what this book is about…at all-I am totally against that (personally). But instead of “playing games,” you do have to play your cards and your hand right-while teaching him how to treat you, and what it takes to earn you (and all your gifts): submission, lovin,’ time, money, undivided attention, keys to your car, house etc. (Things that we women normally just give a man without his earning it). Let’s not play coy, or like we don’t know how to make a man earn his keep-we know how to make our child(ren) earn don’t we? The only reason we know how to make our child[ren] earn is because we’re not worried about them getting upset or impatient with us, then leaving us-because they need and rely on us. What makes you think it should be any different with a man? It’s not that hard. It’s quite simple. When in the courtship/relationship, anything that he says, and does should ultimately be for the benefit of you guys’ 50-50 and should be proof of his interest in building something with you (together). Don’t fear making him earn you. If we fear that he will get upset and impatient with being taught how to earn us, and our things; then we are already in the middle of playing a losing hand right now…right in the position that we stand with that man-already. And he knows that too.

The extent of a “challenge” (and his respect of a woman) is not only determined by, and does not stop at how fast he got a woman in bed. A woman’s value and respect meets its demise also to the extent of how fast and freely, he slept in your bed, ate your home-cooked food, received your submission to him like a serving wench, got money from you, got undivided/undeserved attention from you, the keys to your house from you, the keys to one that drive your car, and the one that jump-start your heart, too). 

The flip-floppy nature of men is such that a woman cannot even have his true devotion (unless she knows how to deal). And she cannot even have his trust (in her) until she knows how to deal. In the flip-floppy nature of a man (courting/dating you), he does not want a woman to “think like a man” with him because (unlike with countless gullible women), it forces him to “think” (when having to deal with a woman that makes him think and earn). He doesn’t want that, but he knows that in the end, in order to want her (for him) he needs that.It’s just that he doesn’t know if he wants her (in the beginning) so it fucks up his game and the natural flow with how he tiers and deals with women. And although that [thinking] woman may be put on the backburner until he’s done playing, when he gets in a settled down mind and a settled down time, that’s the one he’s coming back for (if in that beginning, he did decide that he did indeed want her). 

Men are used to the “easy” way in and through-which (unfortunately, for a woman, is the easy way out for him, too). This is why there are more broken hearts of women who walk around on with either a chip on their shoulder or extreme mistrust of men. The oxymoron to that is, although a man would prefer a woman not “think like a man” when dealing with him, it is the only way to get his respect, his true devotion, and his honor (if a relationship becomes of what you have).Why? Because he knows that when it comes to men, you are one tough cookie who is tough as nails-and it won’t be as “easy” for other men to pull at your skirt-tail, and get it pulled down.

BUT.

Men are masters at knowing the difference between a woman playing games and laying traps, versus a woman who knows her worth and value-it being a part of her real personality and her true self (see Introduction and Gem #’s 1-5).  

Understand this:

Men are hunters.

Deciders.

And he’s watching.

(And deciding: what, or if he should build with you-or nothing).

Men want commitment too, but they are not as easy and eager as women are to have one. They have too many available women (who are much too available) so why should they be in a hurry to make themselves unavailable for only you? (That’s not a rhetorical question, it is a real question-whose answer is all up to and in the control of you)…

Know this:

Men want daughters for “pretty.”

Men want sons for “partnership.”

Men want their Queen to be a “pretty partner.”

A man cannot and be faithful and devoted to a woman who he does not see a “partner” in. His “partner” has to think. Often times, that's the only security and man has to work with-in the land of "trust" when it comes to women, and when she is out of his sight. For him, she has to use her head and regard her heart all else as cherished things to be earned. Men love honor, they have warrior pride, and they value the stripes that they…earn.

That’s why when it comes to money, sex, looks (as explained earlier, in the bulleted areas) as superficial as it may sound-a man sees his value somewhere in one or all three of those things (when it comes to dealing with women). 

Although women are not as in-tuned with men’s nature flip-flop, men aren’t as jaded about a womans.’ Don’t forget that very important lesson in the Introduction: “Women Can Fake Orgasms But Men Can Fake An Entire Relationship For Years.” Men are aware of a woman’s nature flip-flop instinctively, they are born survivalists when it comes to playing the game of “love”-up to the very moment they know (for a fact) that they really and truly are in love.

A man indeed knows that a woman can claim to simply be okay with his kindness, the way he treats you etc., but he knows that the nature of a woman responds to the above listed bullet points (despite that what she says from her mouth could have very well come from her heart and mind). 

That being the case, despite what we may feel about a man, he is going to always think he “knows” what we feel has an expiry date that lasts until some man can fulfill one, or all three of those bulleted points. Deep down in a man’s heart and mind, he has to be able to “compete.” And to “compete” is to have: Money, Good Lovin,’ and/or Good Looks (despite his other redeeming qualities that he knows he has, and what you claim to be content with). 

Ideally, a man wants all three, but that is not always possible. But of the three, whatever he does not have he will focus on, and put forth-no different than your facial or physical attributes that you accentuate. Money, Good Lovin,’ and Good Looks are all his “necessities,” the way that you (a woman) accentuate your “accessories.” 

I will never forget when I was watching one of those spin-off VH1 reality shows: “I Love New York.” The guys were all lined up giving their spiel on why they felt “worthy” enough to be with Tiffany Pollard/“New York.” They were coming full-force with all this testosterone and fierceness that my face was turning back and forth like I was watching a tennis match. Later into the show while spending some one-on-one time with Tiffany, the one guy [who happened to be the most silent and less-aggressive during their introductions]…whispered something in her ear that I will never forget (caught me by such surprise that I think I landed on my forehead in laughter). Without any words before or after his claim, he whispered: “But I got a big dick though.”

I hollered! (Laughing). 

Now…in a normal case, all men aren’t that brazen and bold (so as to put that bug in your ear so soon). They are usually more demonstrative in trying to give you a sample or viewing. Me? I would have instinctively challenged him to get it off his chest and pull it out for me to see it. That’s just me, though. Because I understand what he was going through and feeling [inferior].

You have to understand that the poor guy was in the middle of a contest on live television, competing with other well-dressed, virile men who looked to have run the gamut of possibly having money through to having well-manufactured good looks. 

So Me? I would have allowed him to pull out what [he felt] he was working with-to let him know that yes, he can “compete.”

I understand the psyche and plight of men-and empathize with the hearts of men. And unfortunately, all men don’t have money. They work with what they can work with, and what they [feel] they’re working with, to him-has value. I said earlier: men have warrior pride. And wherever he falls short-it should not be devalued if you can pick up where he does fall short (IF he’s the real deal worthy of it). For a woman with her own life, her own career, and her money-truth be told; a “big dick” or some good lovin’ can indeed compete! Let’s keep it real. We can only cross our fingers and hope that he has something else besides his “big dick” worthy of being taken care of and allowing into our hearts and lives-and if so…there is nothing wrong with helping a good and capable man with a plan land on his feet if you happen to be the bread winner…IF he proves capable of leading with more power, drive, and ambition than what his “big dick” can get him. It’s called an “investment”-one in which benefits him, you, and the relationship-for the betterment of the 50-50 to help it and you both grow: together (we get into that later in Gem #16). 

At any rate.

He (the bold and brazen guy) had nothing to fight with, and obviously wanted to stay in the lineup. But one thing he knew for sure he had (of value) was that "big dick.” 

Sure, laugh if you want to, but with that “big dick,” he (and any other man like him) would give her (you, or me) a million-dollar fuck worthy of forgetting that good looks, and money were valuable attributes to be considered.

It goes like this:

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